I really hope I don’t ever need this again…
GUI Solution
Go to C:\program files\java\bin\javacpl.exe, go to the Security tab, and uncheck “Enable Java content in the browser”. Close out of the Java Control Panel and try the update/installation again and it should work.
Afterwards, go in to javacpl.exe and re-enable “Enable Java content in the browser” or else the user will be unable to use any in-browser Java applets.
If Java has already been uninstalled and javacpl.exe no longer exists, then refer to the command line solution instead.
Command Line Solution
Download the offline Java installer and run it from the command line with WEB_JAVA=0 after the installer path.
Afterwards, go in to javacpl.exe and re-enable “Enable Java content in the browser” or else the user will be unable to use any in-browser Java applets.